Buffing up for my audience

I am fat. I know this. My pants are really good at reminding me of this. So is that bitch in the mirror. I'm gonna cut her, one day.

A couple of months back, I joined a gym. Go me! Being proactive about getting down to a reasonable weight! Yay! So as I learned my way around the gym, I began to notice some interesting quirks. Not quirks like, the water tastes bad, or the treadmills are always full of running dudes. I'm talking crazy stupid stuff that happens all the time.

When you get to the gym, you have to park your car. Which you think is normal, but it's not. You would think it was a mall parking lot 2 days before Christmas. People will creep along behind you as you walk to your car. They will turn around and speed back down the aisle you are on, just to get a spot close to the door. Hi, people, this is a GYM. You came here to exercise, so why not walk an extra 20 feet to and from your car?! Seriously! No wonder you are so GD fat!!!

Racket ball?! Go in a room and bounce balls off the wall where the whole gym cam watch you? Show off. My mom used to yell at me to cut that shit out. Grownups suck ass.

Everytime I go upstairs, I feel like people are watching me. This is because said stairs are in the very middle of the gym, where almost everybody (except the dicks playing racket ball at 4pm) can watch your fat ass struggle up those stairs. Then, you have to choice of watching the dude in joggings shorts that are so baggy you fear their failure, or being watched by the 50something in camp counselor shorts. It's all watch or be watched.

As always, there is always a gaggle of trainers running around, and one of them is waaaay more enthusiastic than all the others.

Of course, no gym experience is complete without a locker room. This is not the ugly green lockers and mildewed tile from high school. These are the nicest fucking lockers I have ever seen. They are the best looking thing in the whole locker room. It is full of naked ladies, all of whom are older Asian ladies, with saggy boobs and even saggier panties.
Also, never get into the hot tub by yourself, and never ever when there is a man twice your age stewing in there already. Ewwwwww.

Oh, that's awesome! My phone added extra w's to my Ewwwwww.

Apart from some people who don't know about the new miracle product that is deodorant ignoring the unspoken "leave a treadmill between you and your neighbor" rule, I kinda like the gym.

Especially when I go with Bob, because that is when I spot Really Hot Guy.